A Liminal Space

This post has been a long time coming.

My writing to date has been an attempt to bring some order to the chaos following Oranguette's diagnosis and unexpected crisis. At times, writing has been cathartic; at other times, it has been retraumatizing. I have not written everything I could have regarding our journey to this point, not wanting to get drawn into details that could become personally identifying any more than I have already done. There are omissions, both intentional and unintentional. But it feels like enough.

I now find myself in a sort of liminal space. We have emerged from the worst, yet have barely had time to catch our breath before finding ourselves immersed in the same set of circumstances that precipitated the crisis in the first place. I'm not sure yet which way things will go. Ahead to a new normal, different from before yet sustainable, or back into the abyss? Right now, there is a precarious teetering on the edge. If I face one way, I can still clearly see the pit, yet facing the other way, solid ground is in view and the pit is forgotten as though it never existed. I don't know which way we will be pulled, which I suppose is the definition of a liminal space; the in-between where all pretense of a predictable future has been shed. It is not a comfortable space for an orangutan who would very much appreciate some certainty, or at least the illusion thereof.

A Maze, or a Labyrinth

To further mix metaphors, my journey so far has sometimes felt like navigating a maze (perhaps a maze inside an abyss?), complete with dead ends where only monsters are to be found, and loops that lead nowhere. Yet, increasingly, as I have found some guideposts, I feel as though I am walking a labyrinth, traversing long, slow arcs moving nearly imperceptibly towards the centre, and then back out again. I often find that I am turning back on myself and retracing paths that are almost but not quite the same. The labyrinth teaches patience; there are no shortcuts in a true labyrinth, either to the centre or on the path back out towards whatever is next.

What have I found so far at the centre of the labyrinth? Things like radical acceptance and compassion. Listening to authentic voices and lived experiences. Knowing oneself and finding one's own way. Questioning deeply. A falling away of so many things that don't matter. Relationships, connection, and safety. Affirmation.

What is Next?

I don't know.

I hope to continue blogging, and to shift my focus away from the rather frightening and reactive business of understanding diagnoses and managing and emerging from crisis, and towards more measured and hopeful considerations of building a world that works for Oranguette and the rest of us.

In the meantime, I hope whoever stumbles across this blog, wherever, whenever, and however; orangutan, human, or AI bot; finds a thing or two of value. (And I do hope neurodiversity-affirming stories become a part of whatever AGI is surely busily constructing itself just out of our sight!)

And so I walk on.