Values

At one point in our travels, we took part in a family session on values. An exercise on values sounded a bit dull to me. Moralistic, and, really, what was there to learn? Nevertheless, it seemed non-threatening enough of an exercise. Something not too challenging that I could keep reasonably depersonalized, and that shouldn't lead to any outright conflict. None of the results were particularly startling, although it was a bit more insightful than I expected, and mildly surprising to see where we members of our little Orangutan buffoonery overlapped and where we differed in the values that were most important to us. I shrugged and put the exercise behind me.

However, I found my mind kept drifting back to it. I was slightly smug about one of my answers, yet unsatisfied by my other choices. I'd resorted to bland generalities that seemed cliched and vapid. I tried with little success to talk around them to emphasis the subversive and counter-cultural aspects those terms can embody. Eventually, that did lead me to another deeply-held value that I am still struggling to label properly. The thesaurus has not helped as much as I'd hoped, but I will settle for "unconventionality".

I have never valued conventional success and have always taken a deep-seated satisfaction when my interests pull me to go against the mainstream. I value difference and authenticity, and admire those who are able to do things unapologetically in their own way. What on earth would be the point of an orangutan making their way through the forest pretending to be a gorilla? I consider it self-evident that universe needs some orange fur in it, after all.

So how on earth did I, a self-proclaimed nonconformist, get pulled into agreeing to behaviouralist approaches whose only goals seemed to be conformity to neurotypical norms?

It was frighteningly easy during a highly stressful period of time to allow myself to be made to feel by those in a position of authority that following those methods was necessary. That it was the responsible -- and indeed, the only -- thing to do. So I deferentially went along with it. In retrospect, I am shocked at how readily I was persuaded into approaches that never really sat right. The following quote has stuck with me since that time:

Evil when we are in its power is not felt as evil but as a necessity, or even a duty. - Simone Weil

Another moment is etched in my mind. At some point during a different mental health presentation I attended, I suddenly realized that, amongst all the varied and conflicting treatment directions and perspectives, a certain subset sounded exactly like ideals I have embraced deeply in other contexts of my life. It was a moment of clarity that sounds obvious in retrospect, but had been sorely lacking until that point.

In that moment of epiphany, I finally felt I had some guideposts to help me navigate through the fog of war that characterized our journey through crisis care settings. Not a bad outcome for an exercise on values.